well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
