So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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