he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just invented taco cereal.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
