I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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