i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
