How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
