I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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