Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
