Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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