apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
