We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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