I skipped work to stalk him.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
