I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
