You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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