Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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