I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
