The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i don't like sucking hair
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
