so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
