he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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