All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
