I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
