i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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