Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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