seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Can I color on your dick again?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
