it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
