Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize