He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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