I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
