I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
