I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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