All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
