M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
