I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
