i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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