It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
