Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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