Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Randomize
