remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
