Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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