I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize