I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
