So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
