im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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