Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
