he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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