NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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