Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just high enough for therapy.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize