woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
