ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
