True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
