also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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