I need help removing her.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
