Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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