I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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