I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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