I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
