so let's talk penis.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
