She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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