everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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